Damn, they made a lot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys over the years.
I’m not even talking about the dozen or so toylines that have come out over the last 23 years. I mean just the original TMNT action figures released between the late ‘80s and late ‘90s, for an entire decide. With that many products to move, the toymakers at Playmates had to think up dozens of variations for kids to buy, and they did not lack for ideas—good, mediocre, bad, extremely bad, and bizarre. Grab a disgusting pizza, and set sail down the sewer for a radical tour of the most mind-blowing turtles the ‘90s had to offer.
2 / 23
Let’s just get right into it, shall we? The draw of TMNT’s small “Adventurers” collection was that the three figures came packaged with a collector’s coin of no value whatsoever. The premise of the 1995 toys was that Arctic Donatello, Deep Sea Diver Leonardo, and Safari Michaelangelo were all hunting for their own “Kowabunga Collector Coin.”
But let’s focus less on that and more on Safari Mike, whose packaging dubs him “The Jungle Jivin’ Judo Dude.” His bio hits the white—er, green?—imperialism hard, as the party dude must battle “wild and unruly natives” who, if they get “truly restless,” he shoots with his functional water gun. It’s just no good all around.
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Apparently, the original April O’Neil figure wasn’t as much of a hit as Playmates would have liked, and in 1992 the company couldn’t decide whether to target the reporter’s next figure at boys or girls. So it decided to release both, a fighter who can stand side-by-side with her turtle friends, and a total babe with rooted hair a la Barbie. Ironically, the Ninja Newscaster is wearing less clothing than the Ravishing Reporter, although only the latter has “Vital Babetistics” that mention her Lipstick Nunchaku and Katana Curling Iron.
4 / 23
If you knew someone was having a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-themed birthday in 1992, and many kids were, you could give them one of the Bodacious Birthday Turtles, which included Leonardo as a normal partygoer, Raphael as a magician, and Michaelangelo here as a horrifying Bozo/Pennywise-from-It clown hybrid that is a crime against both man and god.
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Playmates exec #1: What fun animal haven’t we made a mutant of yet?
Playmates exec #2: Plenty, sir. There are dogs and cats—
Playmates exec #1: No, those are pets. Pets are boring. We need something familiar, but a bit different.
Playmates exec #2: Hmm… like an elephant?
Playmates exec #1: Yes! Exactly! Now, what’s the theme? What are elephants associated with?
Playmates exec #2: Trunks?
Playmates exec #1: So what, like he’s going to wear swimming trunks? Try again.
Playmates exec #2: Tus—
Playmates exec #1: Don’t you dare say tusks.
Playmates exec #2: (coughs) …they live in Africa?
Playmates exec #1: Okay. There’s something there.
Playmates exec #2: I’m pretty confident every way we go from here will end up being some level of racist.
Playmates exec #1: Not… not if he’s an African native! Like a Zulu warrior or something?
Playmates exec #2: Definitely too racist.
Playmates exec #1: But Safari Mike and the natives were OK.
Playmates exec #2: First, that was on the packaging, not the figure itself. Second, I told you that was racist, too. I tried to block the production. Remember?
Playmates exec #1: I’ve got it! He’s a witch doctor!
Playmates exec #2: Christ. I can’t take this anymore. I quit.
6 / 23
With kids clamoring for any TMNT merchandise they could get their hands on, the designers at Playmates were probably quite pleased with themselves for thinking outside the box with this 1994 gimmick, where children could turn a crank and have the Turtles burst out of their eggs. While it’s a decent idea in theory, there’s something incredibly disturbing about watching the TMNT get born into the world as fully dressed, fully armed teenagers. Plus, the egg sets the scale way off so it feels like these turtles should only be action figure-sized when they take their first breath in the real world, and thus never actually grew up, they just… enlarged.
Of course, the real issue is that when born, the turtles’ legs are spread wide apart and they have pained grimaces on their faces, as if they spent all that time developing in these eggs desperately waiting to take a shit.
7 / 23
Honestly, of all the bizarre Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figures made in the ‘90s, the time they got mashed-up with classic Star Trek characters is one of the most memorable. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t guard against it, though, and take time to celebrate these preposterous little miracles. Created solely because Playmates had both the TMNT and Trek toy licenses in 1994, the line had Leo as Kirk, Michaelangelo as Scotty, Raphael as Bones, and Donatello as Spock, complete with pointy ears, which are very disturbing to see on an anthropomorphic turtle. Still, the wildest thing about this entire toyline is that Leonardo’s favorite Trek character is Captain Pike. Madness!
8 / 23
Playmates exec #1: I’m worried children might be falling out of love with the whole ninja thing. So I’ve decided to test the market with two Teenage Mutant Farmer Turtles. What do you think?
Playmates exec #2: I told you I quit. My last day is Friday. Stop bothering me.
Playmates exec #1: I think kids are really going to go for them!
Playmates exec #2: Why on Earth do you think kids who are into teens, mutants, and ninjas are also into farming? That Venn diagram doesn’t exist.
Playmates exec #1: What if I told you they came with tractors kids could use to pretend to grow wheat?
Playmates exec #2: What if I told you to go to hell, Dave? (storms off)
9 / 23
Having researched classic TMNT figures extensively for this list, I have read the words radical, bodacious, tubular, and awesome so many times I have died a little inside. That said, I have to admit the storyline to the toys’ weird spin-off “Warriors” line from ‘95 is indeed radical. It’s got a truly wild premise where badass versions of Shredder’s normally imbecilic goons Rocksteady and Chromedome (that’s Chromedome in the middle) have thrown the world into such chaos that Leonardo and Donatello have not only turned evil but got so evil they grew dragon wings. The only turtle left to save the world is Michaelangelo, who for some reason has become an awesome-looking robot. Where was this damn cartoon?
10 / 23
I think we all know what the problem here is, yes?
11 / 23
Although Rocksteady was always one of Shredder’s main goons, there’s something unsettlingly bleak about imagining the rhino-man in the trenches of World War I. Since “doughboy” was a popular nickname for American soldiers, Rocksteady could be presumed to be fighting for the Allied Powers against Germany and its cohorts… except that his “Vital Doughtistics” (sigh) list his favorite commander as “Field Marshal Mutanto.” No member of the U.S. armed forces has ever held the title of field marshal, but plenty of Germans did, which means Dimwit Doughboy Rocksteady is possibly a double agent. I’m also a little worried that “Mutanto” is a play on “von Bulow,” as in Karl von Bulow, who was retroactively deemed a war criminal for his massacres of civilians. This Rocksteady is just not cool all around...
12 / 23
Playmates exec #1: (staring hard at exec #2) …
Playmates exec #2: (staring hard at exec #1) …
Playmates exec #1: …
Playmates exec #2: …
Playmates exec #1: …
Playmates exec #2: …
Playmates exec #1: THEY’RE FAT
Playmates exec #2: Oh for fuck’s sake
13 / 23
There were plenty of action figures in the ‘80s and ‘90s that shot water like a water gun. Usually, it was an action feature with an accessory like a weapon, or was supposed to represent a superpower, e.g. He-Man snake villain’s Kobra Khan and his “poison spray.” Very few toy companies decided to represent their figures simply spitting at things, but one of those companies was Playmates, which in 1992 released Lifeguard Leo, Sewer-Cyclin’ Raph, Spike’N Volley Don, and Beachcombin’ Mike, all of whom enjoyed hocking loogies in addition to their summer activities. But Michaelangelo is particularly upfront about this, as his bio reads: “Beachcombin’ Mike spits in the eyes of danger. He spits in the face of fear. Let’s face it, the boy loves to spit—and spit he does!”
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Near the end of Playmates’ original toyline, it appears by 1996 the company was getting a little desperate in thinking up new ideas for the Turtles. So I have to give them credit for giving the TMNT the elemental magic of Captain Planet but also putting them in Mobile Suit Gundam armor. (Wind Warrior Leonardo’s armor straight-up includes Gundam Wing wings, while Fire Warrior Raphael is unequivocally equipped with a classic Gundam shield.) What’s weirdest about the figures, though, is that after you take off their removable shells to put on their armor, the Turtles inside turn out to be ripped as hell, which is honestly a little unsettling.
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Playmates exec #1: (bursting into office) Saddle up, because the Turtles are going to the Wild West!
Playmates exec #2: (sighs) Dave, this is not a good idea. It’s my last day. I’m not involved in this shit anymore, there’s no reason I need to hear about this crap.
Playmates exec #1: (ignores him) First up—Crazy Cowboy Don!
Playmates exec #2: A cowboy? Just a cowboy?
Source: Gizmodo